Dear Diary

Its been a while since i've posted anything. I moved to Florida the middle of July and have been hiding since then. I'm ashamed of my eating habits, how i've allowed myself to just eat without thought. Of course each time i do, i think "its just this one thing", but its not. Its continual. And it makes me feel like crap. Even on meds it makes me feel like crap. Meds sometimes can't make you feel as good as a good old fashion healthy diet and exercise. So why do i do it? Familiarity? I don't like the feeling but its one i know and know well. I'm used to the pity party i throw each time i go into this mode. I think I expect someone to notice and shake me out of it, but really the only one who's going to do that is me. I'm 31 years old and apparently still do these things to seek improper attention. Logically i know i'd rather get more attention for losing weight and achieving my goals. How awesome would it be to say "HA, i did it!" Not only prove to others i can do it, but to myself. Who even knows if there is anyone out there that thinks i can't do it. But when i hear from my dad "whats it been? a week since you've worked out? you must of given up". Trust me if i had give up would i still be constantly trying to lose weight. No, if i had given up i would be back to 260lbs and growing. So NO i have not give up, i just got into a slump and want some encouragement to get out of it. But apparently the only one who will encourage me is myself, so pity party over. Its 10:45pm and i really need to sleep, so i will hopefully keep the spirit tomorrow. I have gotten better since i started this new job about drinking more water. I had severe kidney pain a few months ago from being dehydrated, so i have worked very hard to drink more. The past couple days i've felt parched, maybe its the humidity but geez i just can't get enough! I just wish i had someone to talk to, to listen while i just pour it all out. I don't think anyone except a therapist has the brain power for what i have to say. So i'm writing it here. Sometimes it feels like typing helps get this negativity out of my body, though my fingers. Almost therapeutic.

begin again, and again

Life has been crazy lately. Stressful, emotional, i've been anxious, my mind has completely failed me on many occasions and i just feel like crying. I have been seeing my therapist because i want to get a handle on the craziness that is going on in my brain and i desperately don't want it to effect my diet. But it has. It always does. Stress is my down fall. It always seems to win, because its so easy to give into. The bug that just wants to sit and eat and do nothing else. Because its easier to numb it than actually deal with it head on. However at the end of the day, when i then think about everything i ate, i of course feel guilty, but i can't take it back, nope i have to deal with that shame and hope and pray i don't do it again the next day. I start out the next day great, but by the end i've done it again. Its a vicious cycle, because after work i'm too tired to work my brain anymore, so i give up and give in to the boredom and the mindless eating because fighting it is so hard sometimes. When i'm already stressed about work and moving and selling my house and whats coming next, the last thing i want to do is fight with my damn head about whether or not i should eat that next food choice. I don't have that luxury though, i have to think about it, all the time, every minute of every day. Because i'm an emotional eater, when i'm stressed, i eat, when i'm anxious i eat, when i'm sad i eat. It doesn't even really have to taste good, if i've eaten it before and i know i remotely like it and its around, i'll eat it. Keeps my mind off of other things like packing, finding a new job getting quotes for moving companies, oh and also not over eating and sticking within my calorie goal. About a week and a half ago i had a resting metabolic VO2 test. Its a test where you lay in a room, completely still and they test to see how many calories you burn while at rest. Well i found out, i have a crappy metabolism. I've always wondered, after i had surgery i never really cared since i lost so much weight, but seeing other have the test, it peaked my curiosity. Yep, its poop. I burn about 1000 calories at rest, which sucks, and means i have to work extra hard, eat less and exercise more if i want to continue to lose weight. Its not that i can't, its that i just have to be so present in my mind in order to do it, it gets exhausting after a while. So each and every day, i have to start over again, i have to be away of what i'm doing, really make an effort to not put that extra thing in my mouth and learn to say no and find something else to do. Today i decided to go back on liquids to get the carbs out of my system, i have logged everything i have eaten today(even the 2 3 cheese pretzel things i had and the 1 hershey kiss). Yes everything. I drank more water, and of course am peeing like crazy. I can't expect to just get up and willingly do it all over again tomorrow, no i have to make a concerted effort to pack my lunch and put my shakes in there and while at work choose not to hunt down candy or eat whatever goodies someone may have brought that day. Because i want this, i want all of it, i want to be 130lbs, i want to be a size 8 i want to be proud of myself and feel sexy in my own body. I may of had surgery 2 years ago, and the odds may be against me because i'm farther out and at this point is when people may start to gain some weight back, but i refuse to believe that i still can continue to lose. My lil pouch will work for me and i will get there. Sure it might take me longer, but i can do this, i just have to be present in my own life and put effort forth. Every day i have to care and have to plan. It is the only way i will succeed. But i can't stop once i get there, nope, because then it will creep back, i will have to continue to work at it and plan and be present. Anything worth having you have to work for, so here it goes.