deflated

The past 4 months have been good. I have my ups and downs. Dealing with depression makes the bad times very deflating on a soul. I feel myself going back to old habits, even though i can't eat as much, old habits are hard to break. I know the surgery doesn't cure all, but i am trying to be aware and stop the cycle before it gets out of hand and i end up gaining the weight back some how. I do feel however that i have the tools to get back on track. I choose to go back to my shakes, stick with fruits and yogurt and stop eating those darn no sugar added popsicles. They warn you that the things that slide through will cause you to eat more. They weren't kidding. Plus i've always been a champ at midless eating. I suppose me being aware and still doing it is dumb on my part, but at least i'm aware and trying to make a change.
  I found myself with motivation last night to do something. I figured my bathroom was looking kind of sad so i thought i'd tackle that. I'm sort of an all or nothing type person, so generally i choose nothing because once i'm all in, it takes me forever to finish. I think i spent an hour on the bathroom last night cleaning out the cabinet under the sink, then cleaning out the closet in the hallway that holds the rest of my toiletry things. I filled up a trash bag full of things that i don't use anymore or haven't used in at least a yr. Amazing how many things i've hung on to in hopes that i might use it again. Thats another thing i've noticed since having surgery. I don't seem to have a problem with getting rid of things that haven't been used. Before i was always so sure that i might need it in the future or use it somewhere down the road. I now realize, that if it hasn't been used in 6 months to a year, i probably will never use it again. Not that i never knew that before, but i don't feel that emotional connection to it all to hang on to it, which is very liberating!
   My coworker and I, that i run with, we are going to start increasing my speed tomorrow on our running day. Sure i can run 15 min consistently, but i want to go faster. I want to feel the burn! haha. Make it harder for myself. Who knew i would ever want to make it hard for myself, but i really like running and want to be good at it, to go the distance. I'm not looking to run a marathon or anything, but to be able to run so that my dog is actually running with me, instead of a fast walk. haha.
   So i'm only a few pounds away from getting under 200, i pray i get there by the end of this month if i can get focus and stop the midless eating at night. Sometimes i feel that subconsiously i might be scared to lose the weight or get to a new goal, like getting under 200. I don't want to be scared of it, but new things and new goals and people being proud of my accomplishments is all sort of new to me. No fear, and just do it! haha. :)