convienient

Have you ever found yourself doing one thing when alone and then in front of people you say you can't do that or have that because of some reason or another? Lets call it the convienent lie/truth. If you've read any of my posts or the title of my blog you'll know i had bariatric surgery. I find the farther out i get, the more i test what i can and can't have, what i can get away with, whether its healthy for me or not. But i also find myself using my surgery as a reason to refuse food in front of people, but deep down i know that if i was alone, i would eat it, guilt free. So it begs the question, should i be eating it then? I've always struggled with demonizing food. Making it the bad guy, when its me who is making the choices. Food isn't bad, its the emphasize you put behind it that makes it "bad".
   So what I need to do, and want to do so badly is get back to what is good, what is nourishing to my body. What makes me feel good for long term, not a short term high. I want to be true to my new pouch, because i want it to be good to me for years to come. This is not a short term fix, its a long term goal and life. I want to be the best i can be. I don't have control over many things, but i like to think God has at least given me control over what the heck i put in my mouth to nourish my body!

So i need to start getting creative, and sucking it up and eating the healthy foods i buy. Because you know what? They actually taste good, look good and make me feel good! Because i want to find the best ME possible, to see what i am really made of and like the person i am, inside and out.

So i am attempting to be 130lbs, be skinny and exercise because its fun. Play with my dogs more, because they are only here for a short period of time so I should make their lives awesome! I'll need all the encouragement i can get, good vibes, prayers, thoughts, whatever you got, i'll need it!

head games

How do you tell yourself it will be worth it when you've never had it before? For a brief second in high school i was close to my current goal weight but i don't remember it enough to grasp on to that memory and know it will be worth it. I wonder, do i allow myself to have what i want with food because i don't allow myself to do or have other things? Is it worth the immediate satisfaction when i feel bad about it later and even worse when i don't lose weight? I have all the right things, and of course the knowledge. I just can't stand myself for not sticking with it on a daily basis. How hard is that? To enjoy the healthy food and the energy it gives me.
   I don't want to give up, i just want to be done. i am tired of always having weight loss on my mind. But of course the sooner i buckle down and get on with the diet and exercise the quicker i'll get there, right? Did you know it takes more energy to be successful than it does to just sit down and let life pass you by. I don't want life to pass me by. I want to live it and be apart of it. Get out there and contribute to it. Just gotta keep taking baby steps forward....