Lost

Sometimes i have days, weeks, moments where i feel lost. The world is overwhelming, i expect too much of myself and then in my mind, it all falls apart. I feel at 19 months post op i should have my diet under control. Do I? Not at all. It comes and goes, but generally i feel it just goes. I had done the liquid diet a couple months ago, lost 6 lbs from that, and kept them off. But then i started my bootcamp, and started over compensating for all the calories i burn on those 3 days. Allowing things back in, how easily they creep back in. But now however, i certainly can't go back on the liquid diet because on the days i do have bootcamp i burn far too many calories to keep my energy up for it. Plus i feel i need to be able to do it for a few days in a row, so i decided to wait till after bootcamp is over to do it again, to hopefully shed a few more pounds.

I've had some chocolate here and there, some chips from time to time. Of course its all around at work, which makes it hard to say no to. I don't necessarily dump or throw up from it, but i almost get sick like when i eat it. I just feel really crummy, which caused me to miss my bootcamp on tuesday. I did however get on my treadmill and ran/jogged a whole mile straight. A WHOLE mile!! Sure doesn't sound like much but it was for me, and i couldn't of been prouder of myself! Clearly all of the running at bootcamp is helping. Helping what? I don't know, but its helping.

 By Thursday i just felt depressed and sad, down on myself about some of my choices. I really felt the need for support, and luckily U of M was having a support meeting that night. In my heart i just knew i needed to go. We did yoga for the first hour. I have to say, i might be thinner than i was but some of that was still hard, i can't imagine how all of the pre ops felt. They must really have been struggling. Yet i had to be thankful for how far i have come that i could do most of it, and at least i wasn't out of breath doing it. That was a great feeling. There were about 6 of us that were post op, and it was almost like a question/answer session for us. As my friend Nicole said , it was like we were on a panel since we were all sitting together at the front of the room. It was definitely a moral boost to help them and support them, i love doing that!

I may have missed 2 days of bootcamp and could of gotten discouraged and just given up but i didn't allow myself. I made myself get up Saturday morning and go to bootcamp. I'm so glad i did. It was actually fun! We did these things called slingshots. We ran in a single file line of about 4-6 people. The person in the back and to sprint to the front and then slow down to set the pace, then the next person in back would run to the front and so on and so forth. Luckily we were put into group with people of similar speeds. We would run 4 laps, then head back to "home" and do our ab exercises, water up and then head out and do it all over again. Did that for 90 min. It sounds monotonous but i actually enjoyed the team work and everyone running together.

At least i ended off my week on a good note. I even bought some cute skinny pants from old navy to wear with my cute brown boots! I love them! So even though i may be a little lost and out of it, i know I am surrounded by support and a cute outfit to boot! Have a great week and i'll talk to you all next weekend!