Lost

Sometimes i have days, weeks, moments where i feel lost. The world is overwhelming, i expect too much of myself and then in my mind, it all falls apart. I feel at 19 months post op i should have my diet under control. Do I? Not at all. It comes and goes, but generally i feel it just goes. I had done the liquid diet a couple months ago, lost 6 lbs from that, and kept them off. But then i started my bootcamp, and started over compensating for all the calories i burn on those 3 days. Allowing things back in, how easily they creep back in. But now however, i certainly can't go back on the liquid diet because on the days i do have bootcamp i burn far too many calories to keep my energy up for it. Plus i feel i need to be able to do it for a few days in a row, so i decided to wait till after bootcamp is over to do it again, to hopefully shed a few more pounds.

I've had some chocolate here and there, some chips from time to time. Of course its all around at work, which makes it hard to say no to. I don't necessarily dump or throw up from it, but i almost get sick like when i eat it. I just feel really crummy, which caused me to miss my bootcamp on tuesday. I did however get on my treadmill and ran/jogged a whole mile straight. A WHOLE mile!! Sure doesn't sound like much but it was for me, and i couldn't of been prouder of myself! Clearly all of the running at bootcamp is helping. Helping what? I don't know, but its helping.

 By Thursday i just felt depressed and sad, down on myself about some of my choices. I really felt the need for support, and luckily U of M was having a support meeting that night. In my heart i just knew i needed to go. We did yoga for the first hour. I have to say, i might be thinner than i was but some of that was still hard, i can't imagine how all of the pre ops felt. They must really have been struggling. Yet i had to be thankful for how far i have come that i could do most of it, and at least i wasn't out of breath doing it. That was a great feeling. There were about 6 of us that were post op, and it was almost like a question/answer session for us. As my friend Nicole said , it was like we were on a panel since we were all sitting together at the front of the room. It was definitely a moral boost to help them and support them, i love doing that!

I may have missed 2 days of bootcamp and could of gotten discouraged and just given up but i didn't allow myself. I made myself get up Saturday morning and go to bootcamp. I'm so glad i did. It was actually fun! We did these things called slingshots. We ran in a single file line of about 4-6 people. The person in the back and to sprint to the front and then slow down to set the pace, then the next person in back would run to the front and so on and so forth. Luckily we were put into group with people of similar speeds. We would run 4 laps, then head back to "home" and do our ab exercises, water up and then head out and do it all over again. Did that for 90 min. It sounds monotonous but i actually enjoyed the team work and everyone running together.

At least i ended off my week on a good note. I even bought some cute skinny pants from old navy to wear with my cute brown boots! I love them! So even though i may be a little lost and out of it, i know I am surrounded by support and a cute outfit to boot! Have a great week and i'll talk to you all next weekend!

Guilt free pizza!

So when I went grocery shopping this weekend I ended up at Walmart and as always, I wander around. In the deli section I found flatout bread. They had some new choices like an artisan pizza crust. I've tried their other flatouts for pizza and wasn't impressed but this looked different and was a new flavor so I gave it a go!

Flatout bread is 140 calories and 7 grams of protein. 26 carbs but nothing to feel too guilty about being a yr and a half out.

Pizza sauce is 80 calories for 1/2cup. I used just over 1/4 cup so only 40 calories and 1 gram of protein.

Cheese is a pizza blend, sure I should probably use the 2% stuff but I used a serving so I was good. 1/4 cup for 100 calories and 7 grams of protein.

I just followed the instructions on the back of the package.  It told me to cook the bread in the oven for 4-5 min first.  Then I put the sauce and cheese on and baked it for another 6 min. It was very good and crispy!

So 280 calories for 15 grams of protein. Not bad for a whole pizza that is filling!

Turkey sandwich

So I made a turkey (fake) sandwich tonight. I found these fold it sandwich things by flat out for only 100 calories and 6 grams of protein! I added some mustard, lettuce, cheese and of course the fake turkey slices. I layered it. First I put mustard on the top and bottom part on the bread. Then I layed down a slice of cheese on each side. I then put some more mustard on and then covered it with a slice of turkey.  Then I put on some lettuce, completing it with one last slice of cheese for right in the middle.

Cheese is 120 calories and 7 grams of protein for 3 slices
Soy turkey is 100 calories for 4 slices I only used 2 so 50 calories and 7 grams of protein.
Bread is 100 calories and 6 grams of protein.
Nutrition for the mustard and lettuce is not worth mentioning.
All together we have a 270 calorie sandwich with 20 grams of protein! And very filling!

Back on Track

So i suck at updating. I really need to get better at it. At least weekly no matter what i need to post something. I want a following and want to get my story out there.

So about 6 weeks ago i decided that i needed to get back on track, truly on track, and did a liquid diet. I have struggled with getting back on track for the past year almost and needed to do this. Its just sucking it up and doing it. I had seen everyone on my Michigan Sleevers group on Facebook  was doing the 5 day pouch test which i think motivated me to do this. I can't do the 5 day pouch test because it involves lots of meat and well, i don't eat meat. haha. So i decided to just go back to all liquids. For 4 days i did 3 protein shakes and a quest bar. I ended up dropping about 6 lbs in the 4 days. It was very rewarding. The struggle was similar to when i did my 2 week pre op diet. I got a headache the first couple days, which sucked. Clearly the carbs and creeped back into my diet and i had to detox from them. I loved the support i got from my facebook group. I still am in awe of how close knit the bariatric community is. I wish i had this kind of support on all the other diets i was on. I wish there was a way to give others without bariatric surgery the support they need to lose weight, so they don't have to resort to surgery. I don't regret a second of it, but just in hindsight wonder if i had this support before would i have succeeded?

3 weeks ago a friend coaxed me into trying out a boot camp class. Its 3 days a week for 2 hrs a session. Crazy right? YUP! She has been trying to get me to do this for a while now, and for some crazy reason i went through with it. haha! We just completed week 3 and have 3 more weeks to go. It is not easy! it is by far the hardest and most mentally challenging thing i have ever done. Every muscle in my body tells me to give up because its never done this before, never been pushed this hard and is used to just giving up. I am so proud of myself for not, but it still sucks! I hate to love it! lol. Everyone in the class is so supportive and amazing! I think they are the reason i go back. I told one of the ladies in class yesterday that the soreness has yet to go away, yet you get used to it and it becomes a part of you. It becomes your new norm. She said shes been sore for 10 months. But at least i know my body is being worked and will look amazing because of it. I know i'll have lose skin from all the weight i have to lose but this will help tone up where i can and push me to new goals and places i never thought i could go! I hope once i complete this session i can do another session in January, keep the soreness going! haha!

convienient

Have you ever found yourself doing one thing when alone and then in front of people you say you can't do that or have that because of some reason or another? Lets call it the convienent lie/truth. If you've read any of my posts or the title of my blog you'll know i had bariatric surgery. I find the farther out i get, the more i test what i can and can't have, what i can get away with, whether its healthy for me or not. But i also find myself using my surgery as a reason to refuse food in front of people, but deep down i know that if i was alone, i would eat it, guilt free. So it begs the question, should i be eating it then? I've always struggled with demonizing food. Making it the bad guy, when its me who is making the choices. Food isn't bad, its the emphasize you put behind it that makes it "bad".
   So what I need to do, and want to do so badly is get back to what is good, what is nourishing to my body. What makes me feel good for long term, not a short term high. I want to be true to my new pouch, because i want it to be good to me for years to come. This is not a short term fix, its a long term goal and life. I want to be the best i can be. I don't have control over many things, but i like to think God has at least given me control over what the heck i put in my mouth to nourish my body!

So i need to start getting creative, and sucking it up and eating the healthy foods i buy. Because you know what? They actually taste good, look good and make me feel good! Because i want to find the best ME possible, to see what i am really made of and like the person i am, inside and out.

So i am attempting to be 130lbs, be skinny and exercise because its fun. Play with my dogs more, because they are only here for a short period of time so I should make their lives awesome! I'll need all the encouragement i can get, good vibes, prayers, thoughts, whatever you got, i'll need it!

head games

How do you tell yourself it will be worth it when you've never had it before? For a brief second in high school i was close to my current goal weight but i don't remember it enough to grasp on to that memory and know it will be worth it. I wonder, do i allow myself to have what i want with food because i don't allow myself to do or have other things? Is it worth the immediate satisfaction when i feel bad about it later and even worse when i don't lose weight? I have all the right things, and of course the knowledge. I just can't stand myself for not sticking with it on a daily basis. How hard is that? To enjoy the healthy food and the energy it gives me.
   I don't want to give up, i just want to be done. i am tired of always having weight loss on my mind. But of course the sooner i buckle down and get on with the diet and exercise the quicker i'll get there, right? Did you know it takes more energy to be successful than it does to just sit down and let life pass you by. I don't want life to pass me by. I want to live it and be apart of it. Get out there and contribute to it. Just gotta keep taking baby steps forward....

1 yr...OMG!

I just can't believe it! ONE WHOLE YEAR! I can't believe how much i have changed in one year. Sure i've lost weight, but along with that, i have gained confidence, i feel my relationships are better because i am a happier person. I have pretty much gone off my depression medication and feel great without it! I still have it for days i need a lil pick me up, but thats maybe once a month around the time aunt flo visits. lol.
    I have also been more open to trying new foods. I've enjoyed trying new things. I'm very happy that i have managed to stay away from the majority of carbs that got me where i was. Like the pasta's and breads. I don't keep them in the house. Not that i haven't had pizza here and there or a few pieces of pasta. Yes i said a few, the times i've had it, i fill my plate up with other things and a few things of pasta, by the time i get to it i'm almost full so a few fill me up the rest of the way. That shit swells! Let me tell you, it sits heavy in the new pouch, so i tend to stay away from it for that reason as well.
   I have found a way to eat salad and actually enjoy it. I buy fruit and actually eat it! I have been able to drink protein shakes again, after months of aversion to it. Granted sweets have tried to wiggle their way back into my life on many occasions, i am trying to limit myself on them and enjoy them in small portions.
    I exercise probably more than i ever used to. Still not as much as i would like, but it comes and goes in spurts. I am trying different things there too. I have found i still enjoy running. I love Zumba, and long walks with my puppy dogs!

Last Monday April 22nd i had Thyroid surgery. A left thyroid lobectomy. I feel great, no cancer and the recovery on this was NOTHING compared to bariatric surgery! haha! I took a week off and got to spend it with my momma. She came up from Florida to take care of me. It was so nice to have her here. :)
I had my one year post op appt on friday the 26th. That went well. The Dr and i came up with goals to set. My number 1 goal is getting to my goal weight of 130lbs by my birthday in Dec. So right now i'm working on decreasing my calories and being happy with that. Then i'll start in on the exercise again. I had my picture taken and was sent my before and after pics. Holy crap! I can't believe how fat i looked. haha. I knew i was big, but i never realized i was that big! Why didn't anyone tell me?? I was also told at my appt by my Dr that not only do i have a great support system(obviously) but that other people consider me their support and inspiration. For that i want to say thank you! I try my hardest to inspire other and be there for them. Its just so humbling to know that others see me as supportive!

So thank you to all who read! I love writing this and will continue to do so. Woo hoo for a year!

bad day

Of all the things in life that are difficult and we have no control over, why is it I feel that food is one of those? I feel it has so much power over me, and what for? What does it do for me? Half the time i'm not hungry, just bored. Granted today i'm sad, because i realize i can't seem to stick to my diet. Its not just about being on a diet, just living a healthier life style. I feel better when i eat better. When i get my protein, i feel great. I want to feel as in control and great as i did on my pre op diet. I was on so few calories but getting tons of protein and felt great. How can i get back to that. Do I have to go on all liquids for a couple weeks to gain control again? I don't want to do that, but is that what it will take? I want food to be a fleeting thought. To enjoy life, get shit done and realize at 10pm that i didn't even have dinner and just go to bed instead.
Part of me doesn't want anyone to read this because it is embarrassing to admit even after having bariatric surgery that i can fall off the wagon so quickly. But another part of me says, that its part of the journey and being honest not only helps me but others as well. With or without surgery, we all hit slumps. One of these days i will get out of mine. Until then i guess i just have to keep plugging along and hoping and praying for the best. I know i can be proud of myself. I've been there before. I so desperately want to see that scale move again, down, not up! haha.
I decided to clean my bathroom tonight, the funny thing is, it made me feel a little more in control of my life. So i scheduled different things into my phone, one thing a day, depending on what shows i want to watch that day. Maybe if i can control my enviroment and be more organized i will gain more control of my other habits, like eating/grazing.
Life isn't easy, so i need to stop making the food decisions so difficult. I don't want to focus my life around it. Sure i plan for the day what i'm going to eat, and its nice to have it there, but i don't want to be so focused on it and when my next meal will be. That is my challenge. One day i will overcome it or at least find a way to combat it.

Am I Insane?

I'm fairly sure the title says it all. Yes i am. About 2 weeks ago i decided that i wanted to try Insanity by Shaun T. I was super pumped, found a friend to do it with, got the dvd's and then we started. I had seen a couple videos on youtube heard some comments, but did i listen? Nah, i did it anyway! HAHA! The first day was fine, couldn't really do the pushups but all in all didn't kill me. The second day was a bit crazier, lots of jumping and running about. Well that day did me in. The next day i was in so much pain. my calves were killing me, my thighs were very sore. I tried to do day 3 and ended up in more pain whilst doing it and crying from the pain. So from there i decided that maybe Insanity was too insane for me right now.
   So now what? I knew i needed to do something. I wanted to get my cardio and toning in. So a friend suggested Power 90. Its the pre pre version to P90X. who knew?!?! lol. They only advertise the crazy stuff, not the ones to get you there! So i ordered Power 90 and just started that today! SOOO much better! Definitly feel it in my arms and that is good! Though i know i won't be crazy sore tomorrow! So now i just have to really focus on my eating and i'm gonna rock this! I took a before picture, and can't wait to see the after pic in 90 days. Not sure if i'm brave enough to post the before pic, but we'll see after the 90 days is up! Let the journey begin! yay!!

constantly new

I've been fairly busy the past couple weeks. I have been trying to stick to my "diet"/life style change. It certainly isn't easy. I constatly struggle with evening eating. I get home, don't do anything, watch tv, so i eat. Am i hungry? no. Am i eating anything healthy? nope. Granted its not unhealthy, but still there are better choices to be made, and they are in the house! On Feb 4th i decided that maybe exercising in the morning would be a good idea. Get up about 45 min earlier than normal, work out for 30 min and then i'd have more energy. Sounded good. I did have more energy. This morning, after 2 weeks i decided, nah, i'd rather sleep. haha! So onto the next great idea! I guess its a good thing that i'm trying new things and not giving up completely. So now i have decided that my dogs need exercise at least a couple times a day. They are pent up in the house all day, the least i can do is take them out for a 10 min walk a couple times a day. So morning and night. They need it just as much as I do, if not more. I at least get out and go to work and run errands. They aren't stuck in a cage all day but they are in the house all day. That would drive me crazy! So i bundle up and head out. Rain or shine, snow or ice!
   I suppose i'll have to go back to walking/running on the treadmill at night. I signed up for Active U at work so i have to get those mintues logged! I want that darn tshirt at the end of the 12 weeks! haha! I found these 7 exercises to help with toning. 7 isn't bad right? I figure 15 min at the most, it won't kill me. So i gotta find a place at home to do that, because a lot of it is using the wall, so i need a space for that. I can only imagine what the dogs will do. Diego will be all up in my business like "whatcha doin, can i help, here let me give you kisses" um no!
  I finally bought some jars and those little pebble rocks that you put in water. Well i've seen on pinterest and other people use them as weight loss markers. One jar for how much you have to lose and the other jar to put the ones you've lost into. So i have 55 little stones in one jar and none in the other right now. The jars are huge so the 55 stones looked like such a small amount. I had to count it twice because i just wasn't convinced that there were 55 stones in there! That is sitting on my ledge outside my bedroom, on my way to the bathroom. So i see it every morning and night. A gentle reminder that if i want to beable to switch the stones from one jar to the next, from "pounds to shed" to "pounds lost" that i got to get at it and get moving! Stick to the foods that are good for me, that give me energy, not weight me down. Protein really does make a difference and keeping busy gets my mind off food. I just have to do it. Talk is cheap, so by no means does me writing this down mean that when i get home at night do i have a new found sense of motivation to do everything i've ever strived to do.
   Here are some goals. I hope to exercise daily, by walking the dogs, getting on my treadmill, or going to zumba and also doing those 7 exercises i mentioned. I will seek out and try new recipes to keep me interested and busy at night and on the weekends. I will do better at doing things around the house, cleaning up, putting away laundry, those kinda things that my lazy butt hates to do! haha!
    Have a great rest of February to whoever reads this. Please leave a comment, follow me, i love to know who reads, it encourages me! Thank you!
 

frustrated

I get so mad at myself for ruining my days with bad eating habits. I start out so well, then ruin it with a few too many carbs and chocolate. Sure it sounds good at the time, but its probably hindering my ultimate goal. I just hate that i do it! I don't want to, but i just feel like i have a craving for it. Sure i can exercise, but thats probably just burning off the bad calories i ate. So really i'm just coming out even and staying the same. Its just so frustrating. Why do i self sabotage myself. I don't even feel like i'm doing it on purpose. I know not every day can be perfect or right on the money, but i just wish i could get a good momentum going.

I know how to get my protein, and maybe i'm just lacking on getting my water in. I just hate regrouping every day. Saying each day i'll get it right and fail each time. I've never wanted this so much and i feel like i have all the right tools and the motivation. I hope by writing it down it will motivate me. I'm accountable to you.

Please leave a comment of encouragement or ideas on how you stay on track and keep yourself honest. I really would love to hear!

back at it!

So i haven't blogged in a while. It was a busy holiday season. Its been a busy January. But i am back on track and i better start losing weight again! So currently i am down 75 lbs. I've held steady for the past couple months, maybe fluctuated a couple pounds here and there but for the most part i've held my own! Which i am very proud of. I have to say, sometimes the hardest part is maintaining.

After my mom had her accident and i found out i had a huge thyroid nodule, stress took over and then i felt i was almost working too hard to lose weight that i was making it worse instead of better. So i just decided to just relax and not worry about it. I didn't want to get out of control, so i didn't go crazy, but i still let myself have things i wanted.
 
The holidays were good! I was thankful to have my parents here for Thanksgiving. I got to go to Florida for my birthday and Christmas, since they are so close together! Enjoyed just spending time with my parents. I was happy to come home to my babies though after 8 days away from them.  New Years eve i spent with some friends. The first NYE in a few years that i've stayed up for! haha!

My new years resolutions were lengthy. I feel i have more goals now and ambition! My biggest one is to lose the rest of this weight. I have about 55 more lbs to go. I have started eating more protein again, i'm working on getting my supplements in regularly again. I had worked out a few times the first couple weeks of January but starting last monday i have truly been consistent! I'm loving it too! I've been running/walking on my treadmill and taking Zumba classes! I feel so good afterwards and during the day that its truly just addicting! I have a feeling i'm toning and gaining muscle, because the scale doesn't seem to want to budge. My hope is, in a few weeks of consistency i'll just drop a few lbs and then it will start moving. I think my body is just in shock that i'm being consistent and gaining muscle.

I've measured myself, so I will be monitoring my progress that way too. This is going to be a great year, i just feel it! I'm changing habits, silly things, but i want to be a better person, with better habits. I hope with my increased confidence i can start dating and just enjoy life again! Until then, i have great friends, great family and my wonderful puppies to keep my company!