Dear Diary

Its been a while since i've posted anything. I moved to Florida the middle of July and have been hiding since then. I'm ashamed of my eating habits, how i've allowed myself to just eat without thought. Of course each time i do, i think "its just this one thing", but its not. Its continual. And it makes me feel like crap. Even on meds it makes me feel like crap. Meds sometimes can't make you feel as good as a good old fashion healthy diet and exercise. So why do i do it? Familiarity? I don't like the feeling but its one i know and know well. I'm used to the pity party i throw each time i go into this mode. I think I expect someone to notice and shake me out of it, but really the only one who's going to do that is me. I'm 31 years old and apparently still do these things to seek improper attention. Logically i know i'd rather get more attention for losing weight and achieving my goals. How awesome would it be to say "HA, i did it!" Not only prove to others i can do it, but to myself. Who even knows if there is anyone out there that thinks i can't do it. But when i hear from my dad "whats it been? a week since you've worked out? you must of given up". Trust me if i had give up would i still be constantly trying to lose weight. No, if i had given up i would be back to 260lbs and growing. So NO i have not give up, i just got into a slump and want some encouragement to get out of it. But apparently the only one who will encourage me is myself, so pity party over. Its 10:45pm and i really need to sleep, so i will hopefully keep the spirit tomorrow. I have gotten better since i started this new job about drinking more water. I had severe kidney pain a few months ago from being dehydrated, so i have worked very hard to drink more. The past couple days i've felt parched, maybe its the humidity but geez i just can't get enough! I just wish i had someone to talk to, to listen while i just pour it all out. I don't think anyone except a therapist has the brain power for what i have to say. So i'm writing it here. Sometimes it feels like typing helps get this negativity out of my body, though my fingers. Almost therapeutic.