hiatus

Its been a while since i've blogged. I just don't know what to write. I've been at a stand still with weight loss and at a loss for motivation to really work on my diet. I know that this is a life style change but sometimes, you don't want to feel like you're constantly working so hard at something. So instead of over working and feeling like i'm getting no where, i'm just slowing down and letting things be. Sometimes it feel like if we try too hard we end up going backwards and making it worse than it was. I'm hoping by not trying so hard and letting things be natural and not put so much pressure on myself, things will just fall back into place.

Other than that, i've been doing well. Just busy this season. Having fun shopping, maybe too much, but fun non the less! I feel so happy with all my current friends and am so thankful for having them in my life. They make life so much more fullfilling! Now that my parents are in Florida i am so thankful my friends are willing to keep me busy on weekends! haha. Only 9 days till Florida!! woo hoo!! Thank you to all who read my posts, and Merry CHRISTmas!! :)

6 months

I can't believe its already been 6 months since i had surgery. Time flies! I am down about 65 lbs, i say "about" because sometimes its a little more, i've been hovering between 65-67 lbs weight loss. Life has been busy. 2 weeks ago today my mom was in a moped accident, which scared the life out of my dad and I. It threw my life up and around. I made an emergency flight to Florida(they were on vacation there looking for a permanent residence). My Uncle and his wife were gracious enough to pay for the flight, as my money is tight right now, as it always is. I thank God for everyone who reached out to me and my family, its so nice to know how many people truly care. So my diet kinda went by the wayside. Not that i ate all that much but i think the stress didn't help. Answering all the phone calls and texts from my phone and my dad's phone. My dad having to deal with insurance problems seeing as this was clearly out of network from her Michigan insurance. But we got it all covered, thank God, and she was cleared to fly back.
  I have to say i still don't eat pasta at all, and about 90% of the time i stay away from bread, however i do seem to have a thing for cheez its and goldfish crackers. I have managed to stay away from the ice cream i was buying, even though it was "no sugar added" stuff. I still need to work on not munching too late. I might not be gaining but i'm not losing and i'm sure the eating at night doesn't help with weight loss, plus sitting on my butt doesn't help either! haha. I did get a treadmill on the 8th! I was so excited. I sold my couch and my Wii bundle and a few other things. I got enough money to go out and purchase a nice treadmill. I am trying to use it at least a few days a week. Along with doing short 15 min workouts at work with a couple coworkers. We walk down to the gym, do 8 min of cardio and then walk back! Usually we only do it once a day, but we have been trying to go twice a day. I have my 6 month follow up with the Dr this friday. I am sorta nervous. I'm always scared someone will say i'm not doing good enough, or as well as others. But this isn't a quick fix and everyone loses at different speeds. Its good that i'm losing slowly, because my body has time to adjust and maybe then i won't have as much loose skin as some other people do. Plus, if i lose another 60 lbs in the next 6 months i will have hit by goal weight! So thats pretty darn good! I look forward to the next 6 months and what it may bring. I hope i am able to keep up the activity this winter.

Onederland!

I have made it!! I honestly never thought i would get here! 199.8, just under the cusp but i'm there! No turning back! I have been drinking tons of water, trying to get as close to the 70g of protein in a day. I haven't really been focusing on exercise as much as my eating is a bigger problem than my exercise.
  So, i use Pinterest and of course spend all night pinning things. I found a recipe for cauliflower pizza crust! So last weekend i decided to try it out on my parents. It was amazing!! I loved it! So please try it! Great recipe if your trying to reduce your carbs or just be healthier but still feel like your getting pizza! http://pinterest.com/pin/79516749641774119/  <--- heres the link!
Last Friday i went over to my friend Toni's house and we exchanged clothes! It was nice, because earlier that day i got rid of a lot of pants and winter clothes. So it was nice to get some new clothes and of course not have to buy any new ones. I've bought a few new things here and there, but nothing extensive!

I got a new hair cut last friday as well. Its sassy and short just like me! :) I look forward to this weekend as i am throwing a retirement/going away party for my parents. They are retiring on the 28th of this month and at the end of Oct are officially moving down to Florida. I am so excited that my family is coming and even some friends of the family. It will be a small gathering, but i just love being around family and friends, so it will be fun!

I am excited to finally be in the 100's now, and look forward to continuing to drop on the scale and get out of the 90's and 80's and so forth! Thank you for your continued support. I got so many hugs this morning from co workers! Its so excited to share this with everyone!

deflated

The past 4 months have been good. I have my ups and downs. Dealing with depression makes the bad times very deflating on a soul. I feel myself going back to old habits, even though i can't eat as much, old habits are hard to break. I know the surgery doesn't cure all, but i am trying to be aware and stop the cycle before it gets out of hand and i end up gaining the weight back some how. I do feel however that i have the tools to get back on track. I choose to go back to my shakes, stick with fruits and yogurt and stop eating those darn no sugar added popsicles. They warn you that the things that slide through will cause you to eat more. They weren't kidding. Plus i've always been a champ at midless eating. I suppose me being aware and still doing it is dumb on my part, but at least i'm aware and trying to make a change.
  I found myself with motivation last night to do something. I figured my bathroom was looking kind of sad so i thought i'd tackle that. I'm sort of an all or nothing type person, so generally i choose nothing because once i'm all in, it takes me forever to finish. I think i spent an hour on the bathroom last night cleaning out the cabinet under the sink, then cleaning out the closet in the hallway that holds the rest of my toiletry things. I filled up a trash bag full of things that i don't use anymore or haven't used in at least a yr. Amazing how many things i've hung on to in hopes that i might use it again. Thats another thing i've noticed since having surgery. I don't seem to have a problem with getting rid of things that haven't been used. Before i was always so sure that i might need it in the future or use it somewhere down the road. I now realize, that if it hasn't been used in 6 months to a year, i probably will never use it again. Not that i never knew that before, but i don't feel that emotional connection to it all to hang on to it, which is very liberating!
   My coworker and I, that i run with, we are going to start increasing my speed tomorrow on our running day. Sure i can run 15 min consistently, but i want to go faster. I want to feel the burn! haha. Make it harder for myself. Who knew i would ever want to make it hard for myself, but i really like running and want to be good at it, to go the distance. I'm not looking to run a marathon or anything, but to be able to run so that my dog is actually running with me, instead of a fast walk. haha.
   So i'm only a few pounds away from getting under 200, i pray i get there by the end of this month if i can get focus and stop the midless eating at night. Sometimes i feel that subconsiously i might be scared to lose the weight or get to a new goal, like getting under 200. I don't want to be scared of it, but new things and new goals and people being proud of my accomplishments is all sort of new to me. No fear, and just do it! haha. :)

Keepin on

I have gladly been keeping busy the past few weeks. Since I have more energy I seem to be more willing to do more. I'm still running with my coworker and am up to 15 min of jogging continuously! I'm so geeked about it! I started going to Zumba with a friend once a week and love it!
I feel like I've been doing good on my eating. Not sure I get enough protein but I'm doing my best. I still find that when I'm bored and watching tv at night that I graze. Granted its not as much as I would have before surgery but still not a good habit to continue. It's a daily struggle, writing about it seems to help, makes me openly admit to myself what I could change.
I think I've hit a plateau at 51 lbs lost. Just won't budge. The last time I got over a plateau was exercise. Granted that was just 2 weeks after surgery so I hadn't really been exercising. And even tho I'm running 3 days a week I think I need to add a couple more days of exercise. So up goes the ante and gotta watch what I consume at night.
I will do my best to update weekly and hopefully that will help keep me honest and on the straight and narrow! Slim goodie out(nickname from a coworker)

Fat burning mode

So over the past couple weeks, it has been super hot and humid here. Which has caused me to not want to run, or do much of anything at all. I did a session of personal training about 2 weeks ago then ran after. I felt like crap for the next few days. My back hurt, then with the heat I got migraines. I felt so lazy! I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I had pizza for the first time since starting my pre op diet 3 moths ago! Best thing ever! Haha.
Well last Friday i weighed myself and was down 1.5lbs, even after having pizza! Then I decided to go out to my parents house. Suggested I run and they ride their bikes at the high school across from their house. We took the dogs, it was great! Saturday I woke up and weighed myself again and was down another 1.5lbs. I couldn't believe it!
I will be honest, I didn't think I ate all that great over the weekend. Yet I weighed in on Tuesday and was down another 2lbs! I'm not sure what changed, but I feel like my metabolism is finally working! My body has gone into some fat burning mode. Although I don't feel like I deserve the weight loss, I am grateful for each pound lost that gets me closer to my goal.

a little late

Its been a couple weeks since i've posted. I've been busy with father's day and my dad's birthday and running, and being addicted to watching/catching up on True Blood. Today is my last day of week 4, and i just can't believe i am just over half way through this program. In 5 short weeks i will be running 3 miles, non stop!
  I have been doing well with my eating. nothing crazy, just focusing on protein. I know being an overweight person clearly i had an addiction to food. Although i can't eat much anymore my body still seems to crave that mindless eating and boredom food. Which for me now is my popsicles. Sugar free, but does not make it ok to use it as my boredom go to food. I have been told that with things like that, which are liquid that they slide down easy so you tend to eat more of it. which is probably my problem. I'm terrible at remembering to drink water at home. Either way, i'm down 40lbs, exercising and staying active and busy. Which i love! I have lost almost 2 pant sizes, and 2 bra sizes! I went last night to get resized for a new bra and was super excited to go down a couple sizes! I've never gone down this much so this is all so new to me and quite exciting!
  I feel very optimistic for the next several months to come. For the first time in a while i look forward to the future and what may come of it. I just pray i keep up this active lifestyle and as i get farther out from surgery that i am able to continue to control my portions and increase activity.

8 weeks!

Well, today marks 8 weeks from surgery! I truly can't believe its been 8 weeks!!! Its very exciting to see how far i've come. I'm exercising more, being more active on the weekends and just all around i feel happier! I have lost a total of 37 lbs which takes me down to 223lbs. Still a long ways away from my ultimate goal but i feel optimistic that what i'm doing is leading me down the right road.
  The couch to 5k is going well. Just finished up our second week last night after work. It was humid and windy, not a very helpful combination. I had a hard time with it, almost gave up a few times but i powered through best i can.
  I went to a post op only support group meeting on Saturday. It was a great meeting, its always nice to hear that your not the only one going through the same dilemmas. As you know from previous posts, i had an emotional breakdown about a week after surgery. Well there was a lady at the meeting that was having one. It was heartbreaking. All i could think about was, thank God i'm not married with kids. To have to worry about so many other people at a time like this. It can't be easy. Dealing with issues of not feeling loved by your spouse when your fat/overweight and now that your losing weight they finally start paying attention to you. I can honestly say that would trouble me as well. I've been happy with who i am as a person for a while, but never been happy with my body. Which is one main reason why i don't date and refuse to let it go anywhere. Why should i let someone love my body when i don't. So when i hear someone saying that their significant other is basically confirming their own thoughts and fears about themselves, that just kills me. Your supposed to be able to trust that person. I just can't let myself go through that yet. I know eventually you have to put your heart out there, and that is so hard to do, but until i'm in the right place physically as i am mentally, i'm staying away! Trust me i have the attitude, i just don't have the body confidence yet.  I don't feel sad about that, or sorry for myself about it, i accept it and am looking forward to the change that is happening within me through having this surgery. This is going to be a great year, and for my journey, its only just begun!

couch to 5k

Today is a momentous occasion for me. I weighed in at 226, which about 5 yrs ago i believed would be my highest weight. I even told myself and my parents " i'll never weigh this again". Ha! Was i sorely mistaken! Well i hope i can say this time that truly 260 was the highest i'll ever be, which is where i started at.
  I had told myself before surgery that i wanted to start running once i got down to 200lbs. My weight loss is being kind of slow. Not necessarily a bad thing, but i want to see a little movement! I have been going to the gym a couple days a week, but needed something more! I have a coworker who had said from the beginning that she would do the couch to 5k with me. I told her, once i get to 200lbs we will do it. Well ya know what, why wait! I was getting antsy and kind of excited to start it, plus it was a instant workout buddy! So last Thursday we started. It's 3 days a week for 9 weeks. Each week the running/jogging duration increases. The first day was hard. Nothing about running is easy for me. I have so much extra weight to carry around, it definitly makes it hard. I think we do about 6-7, 60 second runs each session. Well the first day i did all but the last run. I got a horrible side pain, so we just took it easy and walked it. Saturday i went for day 2, and by myself mind you, and did it all! Its an amazing feeling of accomplishment. I can't believe how excited and proud i am once i finish. Yesterday, Monday, was day 3 and the last day of week 1. I didn't feel i had to push it as much, it still was not easy, but a little less strained. However i am nervous for Thursday to start week 2 and 90 seconds of running this week around. Its like i just got used to the 60 seconds and now we are upping it. But maybe thats the point! haha. So by the end of 9 weeks i should be able to run a 5k which is 3 miles. Its a weird thought, but exciting. I am so thankful to have my friend Jane running it with me and supporting me the whole way! I feel so blessed to have such amazing people around me.
   So all in all, i feel the running is helping me shake up the weight loss. I pray it just keeps falling off. I am doing some weight training things so i'm probably gaining muscle right now as well. Muscle burns fat and increase your metabolism, so it can build and take its time and then just drop the weight in a little bit! fingers crossed. Either way, i feel great and excited for whats in store for me and my exercising ventures!

Red room of pain

So while on medical leave after surgery I read the series "fifty shades of grey". Just recently I read it a second time. In the books the main character Christian Grey has a red room of pain where he does "interesting" things to his submissives. Well today I started personal training. Had to sign paperwork and talked about what I wanted from this besides weight loss. I said, endurance. So she said ok well let's get started. We'll start in the red room. Immediately I thought, red room of pain and about curled over in laughter! And let me tell you. It might not be Christian Grey's red room of pain but it inflicted its own sort of pain!
So yes I'm starting a personal training program. She helps come up with exercises to do and since I have a gym at work I will then go there and proceed with what she has instructed me to do. Then every couple weeks go back and come up with a new program! I'm excited to do this! Although my legs feel like jelly right now, but the more I do, the easier it will be and more I can push myself! I want endurance. I want to be active and run around and have fun!

Weight loss update

So as of this morning i am down 30lbs! I am quite happy with myself! My 2 week plateau is finally over! It's been just over a month since surgery so I took an updated photo. I don't see much of a difference but others seem to.

time for the gym

Gym has never been a friend of mine. Our relationship has come and gone many times over. We usually only last a few sessions or a few weeks at the most. However i hope and pray this time will be different. I hit the gym for the first time last night after work. I went through the day with full intentions of staying for at least an hour. I only made it 30 min. haha. Luckily we have a gym here at my work so i have no excuse to go home, sit down and talk myself out of going back to the gym. I had already done my almost normal 2/15 min walks on my breaks and was so proud of myself for even going to the gym on top of that!
So i get down to the gym and decide to start on the elliptical, it has always been one of my favorite machines, i like the idea that i'm running but not really. I had gone to a support group meeting on Saturday at the hospitals transition studio for bariatric patients. We did some exercises, got to know the machines and learn what they do there. I had noticed that they have their patients rotate the weights and cardio. Do 3 machines then 5 min of cardio. So i decided that might be a good way to start. Break up the cardio and the strength training. So i did 5 min on the elliptical then got down, cleaned the machine and went over to the machines of steel. I've done this sort of stuff before, so i felt fairly confident in what i was doing. Boy was i wrong! These machines were like midevil! They had the weirdest set up and took me 5 min just to figure out how to change the weight setting on the first machine! I almost gave up, but i finally figured it out and did my reps. Did a couple more machines that were just as weird. Then i went on to the recumbent bike. Again an old machine, but i was determined to figure it out. That took me a few minutes as well. I feel i went for about 5 min on that, although i had a heck of a time finding the timer on the display so ended up just working through 2 songs on my ipod. Went back to the weights and finished up with 5 more minutes on the elliptical. I felt pretty darn good and satisfied with myself.
Well when i got home i had some pain in my right side, same place i had for about 10 days after surgery. I just relaxed, finally went to bed and read. Still woke up with the pain this morning. So i took some tylenol. Ya, that didn't help. I talked to one of my bariatric friends and we believe i lifted too much too soon. I never went over 30lbs, and i didn't feel like i was straining myself, but i must of pulled or pushed a little too much. So note to self, don't push yourself only 4 weeks after surgery, especially with weights! Do less weight and more reps. Lesson learned!
On a great note! I weighed myself this morning and the scale finally budged! I went down only .6lbs but i was just so happy to see it get off that number after 2 weeks! So i'm hoping the gym workout jolted my body to start losing again!

First week back to work

My first week back went well. Everyone was very excited to see me. It's so great to feel loved and missed by my coworkers. I thought getting into a routine would be difficult but it was easier than I thought. My schedule at work is pretty set, so I knew what times I would do things. It felt weird packing my lunch and all I took with me was a small container or food and a bottle of isopure. When before I would of had a snack for before and after lunch and a lunch. Now it's just this little container of maybe 3 oz of food and it fills me up. I sip on water and the isopure the rest of the day which keeps me satisfied till I get home for dinner.
I was determined to make myself take my 15 min breaks twice a day and go for walks. I did great, it was nice to get away and just focus on the walk. It's fun because there are so many people in my building that walk the building, somehow you don't feel alone.
I'm still stuck with no weight loss since last Wednesday. Getting very frustrated. I haven't gotten on the scale in a few days and refuse to. I'm just trying to stay active and positive!

Weight loss

So maybe I'm being unreasonable, maybe not. I'm not freaking out or anything just wondering if I'm doing something wrong. I'm down 25 lbs and have sat here for about 2 days. I know that doesn't sound bad but up until now I've been losing about a pound a day. I did start the puréed diet wednesday so my food options have opened a bit. I'm sure I'm eating a little bit more, so I guess I need to exercise more. Not like I don't have the time! So I have to put on my music and walk it out! I hope once I do I'll start seeing results again. So instead of letting it get me down, I have to strategize and work out a plan!

Post op journey

Well I am now two weeks post op. A few days after being home, being the genius that I am, I swallowed water the wrong way and was hacking. It was so painful, it felt like the stitches under the skin were being ripped out of my body! Then the next day I took my multi vitamin on an empty stomach followed by some Tylenol. Went to lay down and a few seconds later a wave of nausea came over me. I leaped up from the couch with my little pillow to hold my stomach and warned my mom that this was not going to be pretty. Luckily not much came up, but after the incident the day before, wow that hurt!
I did fairly well the first week after surgery. I had my mom staying with, taking care of me. It was nice to have the company. She constantly had me sipping on protein drinks and water. After that first week and being on all these liquid proteins for three weeks, I was done with it. I could not physically bring myself to drink anything sweet. All of these protein drinks are sweet! So what was I left with? Not much. Luckily I didn't care. But for some reason I was angry. Angry that I didn't have options and that everything was liquid! For a couple days all I ate was cream of wheat for breakfast then mashed potatos with chicken soup unjury for dinner. Not much, I know, but I wasn't hungry and I was not going to touch the sweet protein drinks with a ten foot pole! By the weekend my depression kicked into high gear. All I wanted to do was cry. I couldn't tell you why I was sad, but I just had these emotions in me and if you just looked at me the wrong way I would start crying. I hated it. I had not felt this way, this sad, since going on meds nearly 6 yrs ago. I was still taking my meds so what the heck was wrong with me! So I reached out to some of the friends I had made in the support group meetings. One person explained it to me as mourning the loss of food. It made sense. Food was always my comfort, my go to, something to do when I was bored because I was too tired and lazy to go anywhere or do anything. Normally I would find food, sit down, watch tv and be content. Now, with no desire for food my body and mind were conflicted. I was sad and crying like I had lost something near and dear to my heart. It was just food. I told myself I didn't want or need it anymore, and that was the truth. So why was I feeling this way? My mom tried to distract me by taking me shopping, and sure I laughed here and there but I kept having this nagging feeling of sadness. So I finally caved after 3 or 4 days of this and called to make an appointment with my therapist. I just couldn't take it anymore, and somehow she always makes me feel better! So I finally saw her yesterday. She helped validate my feelings. I explained everything I was feeling and other things I was going through and she helped me talk it out. Told me it was normal and a hard time. To obviously find things to occupy my time. I had just finished a series of books a couple days before, so she suggested I read some more.
She gave me a couple authors to try. My mom, being wonderfully supportive decided to order me a kindle, because if I'm gonna take up reading doing it on my phone long term probably isn't the best idea, plus on kindles you can share books with other kindle users! So I am excitedly awaiting my new distraction from food.
Although as I said before I have no desire for food nor am I hungry. However my surgeon did explain that the food was giving me dopamine to my brain to make me feel better. He said this reaction doesn't happen to very many people but he did see how it was possible. It's all an addiction and I need to find something healthier to be "addicted" to. Of course he suggested exercise. So here I am, 25lbs lighter and on my way to a new me. It's scary, and I don't know what my next hurdle will be, but I know I have great supportive people behind me. 😄

Day of surgery

I was so thankful my surgery wasn't until 11am. Although I was still up by 7 to take my medication it could of been a lot earlier! We got to the hospital at 9. I believe they took me back to pre op around 10:30am. Within the next hour I met way too many people. Too many of the same questions! Which they apologize for, but of course they have to hear you say it. After the second one I was ready to just write it down and hand it out to each person that came in. Save time, you know? I was never really nervous. The part I did not enjoy though, was getting the IV in. They did it on the side of my wrist, because I was scared of her doing it in my hand.
By 11:15-11:30 we were ready to go. I remember being wheeled back to the operating room, then shifted from the stretcher to the operating table via hovermat. They put the mask over my face and I was out within seconds.
I remember bits and pieces post op. I woke up at one point and begged for my mom. I was in pain I believe and just wanted my mom. She came for a little bit, but I dozed off again. I remember my dad coming back to see me. My mom had told me later on that it was quite a while after she had come back. I dozed in and out the rest of the day. I finally woke up for good around 2 am. Thank God I had a private room! I turned the tv on and just hung out. The nurse came in and explained everything that I was hooked up to. Morphine drip for pain and a catheter. Which by the way, is quite awesome! Not having to get up and go pee! Good times. Haha!
The next couple days and nights in the hospital were filled with unwelcomed doctors and nurses and techs taking my blood and blood pressure. They don't care what time it is, they just waltz right in and wake you up. I get that I'm not going anywhere but can't a girl get some dog gone sleep! By the last day, I was in tears. They had switched me over to morphine pills and I had to ask three people to get me some meds. It took a whole hour and my mom to get something. When the nurse came in she had the audacity to say "you finally need something?" really!!! Yes I need some damn pain pills before I break down crying again from the pain! Let's just say I've had much better experiences in the hospital and I was glad to finally go home, to my own bed, and quiet!

Pre op diet

I was nervous for the pre op diet. I was very prepared. Ordered everything, went shopping days before. I did great! The first two days were hard, getting hunger headaches but after that I felt fine. I had energy and was never hungry. I had always heard protein would keep you full but I didn't believe it. I just never did enough protein. Taking in over 100 grams of it will keep you full! So I didn't feel like I was missing out on much. Then I started pmsing. I remember it was a Sunday, and I had the worst craving for pizza! I never smelled it or saw any, but that was all I could think about. I texted a few of my support people. My mom said "no you can't". I just laughed and said, "well I could but it would be more helpful to tell me why I should choose not to and remind me what I'm working towards". Then I texted my friend Liz. I loved her response! She told me pizza is yucky and that I didn't really want that! Another friend told me to imagine it with something I hate on top of it. So I imagined it with mushrooms. That pretty much did the trick. After that day I was pretty much good to go. I finished off the last week great! I was grateful to start and end my period before surgery.

Beginning

I start my journey into bariatric surgery next Wednesday. I have to keep in mind that God is in control and that this will not solve all of my problems. I have been working on myself for the past couple years, with therapy. I've seen 3 therapist in the past couple years and took the hunger within class, which, i feel, has changed me profoundly. Although i don't feel my eating habits have necessarily changed that drastically, I feel I am very aware of what i'm doing. I'm not happy about it, and feel stuck on how to change but i'm aware. I thought this morning that skinny or fat if you don't exercise its still not easy to start. But i keep the hope that once i get this weight off of me, that it will be at least easier to move around and walk up stairs.
  I remember when i was in High School around 160 lbs and convinced i was fat. Now i look back at pictures and realize, wow, you had a warped perception of yourself. I may of had a few extra lbs but i was not fat. I could at least hide it then, but now, no amount of baggy clothes can hide this. I am at least 100lbs more than i was in high school.  Maybe God brought me to this point to show me that i was crazy to think i was fat back then! lol. Which i now realize i was. I pray that this journey is successful and that i achieve what i am looking for.